My self..

Today was such a tiring day.. A lot of things happened today and its such a blur to me.. Lets start early in the morning.. I woke up in a daze, still struggling to cope with the changes.. I got to college and did my practicle. That indeed was really fun, we cooked steaks today and it wasnt that bad..

Then there came afternoon.. I guess everything is almost back to normal.. I missed my friends.. And thank you Cole for yesterdays talk.. I drew out public speaking today, I really just couldnt think of anything to write or speak let alone memorise it. Guess it was too soon and I wasnt prepared..

Today I learned that I am the type which pressure people.. I guess all this while, I really was.. And no one told me till I found out today.. Now that I know about it, Im sorry to everyone which ever i had pressured.. People change, and so will I.. But dissapointing things is.. Not telling me about this because they think it might hurt me.. But it hurts me more that you know about it and not telling me about it.. Friends should tell each other their weak points so they themselves can change for the better.. Not keeping it away from them and telling others..

But its all in the past, now that I finally know.. I will change for the better..
I am greatful that a few true friends always had stuck by my side and guided me to be a better person, for that thank you.

Before I end this, I would like to dedicate this one song to all the people who had stuck by my side thru think and thin.. Title.. "Only Human"

Kanashimi no mukou kishi ni
Hohoemi ga aru toiu yo

Kanashimi no mukou kishi ni
Hohoemi ga aru to iu yo
Tadori tsuku sono saki ni wa
Nani ga bokura wo matteru?

Nigeru tame ja naku yume ou tame ni
Tabi ni deta hazusa tooi natsu no ano hi

Ashita sae mieta nara tame iki mo nai kedo
Nagare ni sakarau fune no you ni
Ima wa mae he susume

Kurushimi no tsukita basho ni
Shiawase ga matsu toiu yo
Boku wa mada sagashite iru
Kisetsu hazure no himawari

Kobushi nigirishime asahi wo mateba
Akai tsume ato ni namida kirari ochiru

Kodoku ni mo nareta nara
Tsuki akari tayori ni
Hane naki tsubasa de tobi tatou
Motto mae he susume

Amagumo ga kireta nara
Nureta michi kagayaku
Yami dake ga oshiete kureru
Tsuyoi tsuyoi hikari
Tsuyoku mae he susume..

*I cant upload the song here, so its under my "music" area*

Today is a gift..

Change has already taken place and so far I am coping with it.. As far as I know, I have lost some friends and gained some friends too.. I dont really feel sad nor happy, I do feel lonely at college at times but i keep telling my self its all in my head. And recently I have been watching this one Japanese drama which my friend told me about.

The title is "1 litre of tears". Its based on a 15 year old girl with an incureable disease.. Its called Spinocerebellar degeneration disease.. The fact that this is a very cruel disease and there's no cure for it.. The degenerated cells in your spinal cord causes you to lose control of your arms and legs.. Your ability of speech.. Your ability to write.. And eventually.. Everything else.. Imagine this guys.. What if this happened to you?.. Because it was based on a diary of the actual person, it is very touching.. How when someone who already know they are dying but still strive on with life..

Honestly I even researched on this disease and even went through a few blogs which were the patients themselves.. I slowly read each entree they written and its really sad.. I actually cried reading a few post.. Its really sad..

As much as I want to know there is a cure for this.. There isn't.. I pray that 1 day, there will be and these people can smile once again and lead a happy normal life..

Till then, Cheers,
Ivan.K

Hope is all I will ever need =)

It actually happened the day before after I type all those negative stuff, didn't felt like saying anything until today I guess. And you know what? I take back somethings I said..

I was so blind that I couldnt see it even if it was right in front of me.. I always had the people that cared for me around me.. I was only blind.. but.. Now I finally see it..
Three people recently have changed the way I see things.. And I truly am grateful =) They truly made a diffrence in my life..

Firstly there was Wen Hwei, somehow she always has this charisma in her which makes everything seems not so bad.. She'd always try to convince me that there's more to life then all these issues.. I can't really explain it for now but she's kinda always there when I am like this.. I hope I could return the favour when the time comes too.. Whole heartedly, I will =)

Second is my close friend Caren, though we do not talk much but I see that we share a lot of things in common in life.. Like whatever she's been thru, im going thru it now and vice versa.. I really wonder how would my life be if I never had met her.. Terrible I guess.. She's actually the one which mention this one phrase to me which changed the way I see things.. I told her everything about what happened and she keep asking me not to give up on my friendship with Collie.. I told her I can't, as I'll be lying to my self..

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Then she said", Do you treasure this friendship?.."

"Honestly.. Yes.. I do..",I said.

"So just do it because you treasure your friendship.."

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This was the phrase which woke me up.. And now yes.. I have..

*So Collie, for our friendship.. This I will treasure..*

Last but certainly not the least is Desiree, the past few days have been rough and she's been softening my falls by listening and giving me advice.. Even "temaning" me when Im down but though sometimes it feels like Im "temaning" her.. Ahahaha jkjk~ Although today she gave me the shock of my life.. Om..God.. Lets say her driving skills were "wonderful" Hehe.. For the first time I guess, a girl picked me up from my home and we went out.. Ahaha but anyways, it was okok la.. Still safe in one piece =)

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So now I see, there are so many people in my life I should be thanking.. And even to the others I didn't mention.. Thank you for sticking by my side.. They really are a blessing to me and I do apreciate their presense and even more.. Their friendship..

^^

So I'll end todays entree with this..

"Apreciate the people around you.. Cause through thick and thin..

There're always there for you"

Cheers,

Ivan.K

Untitled..

A lot has happened the last few days.. It got me confused and lost.. But somethings just have to change for the better i guess.. I will miss the good old days.. Even now, I still do..

I regreted though what I did in the past, what you say?

It all began in Term 1 of my collage.. Everything was fine, I made tons of friends and was really happy with my group.. Everything was perfect.. Thats where my fatal mistake took place.. I never really had a "gang" or "group" which I belonged to.. I was hopping here and there which was wrong but i did still.. Now I actually get my punishment for doing so.. I feel very lost and lonely in collage now.. Everyday I just wish class would end asap.. Because of some issues.. I can't be close with a few certain people anymore.. What have I left?

Nothing..

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I used to had feelings for this one person in collage.. But I never really had the courage to tell her how I felt.. Pathetic isn't it?.. Well to me, its because im the kind of person which takes rejection badly and somehow.. I knew it wasn't going to workout.. Its a curse you know, when you want to know something so badly but the only way of knowing the answer is to actually take a risk on your friendship and ask.. But no.. I was afraid.. Until now, Im not even sure if she knows.. Even with gossips spreading around, I guess she would take it as a joke or maybe not.. I really wonder is it too late?..

Really sad..

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I really sorry guys if you all find this very negative.. But today I felt like blogging everything out so I wouldn't have to keep it inside of me anymore.. There are lots more to be typed but I'll have to remember them first..

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Then there was my best friend.. Who actually knew that slowly.. I started to develop feelings for this person.. Well sounds like movie part right? Yeah I kinda agree too.. But this time I actually took the risk.. By telling this person how I felt.. And all I did was told this person my feelings and not ask for anything, people tell me im weird but heck its not something for them to decide.. But in the end.. Nothing happened.. It was a one sided thing as this person could never see me as anything more then a friend or best friend..

With all the recent issues that arose.. We argued a lot.. And now?..

Well time will tell sooner or later..

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Today I went out with a friend to pyramid and I told her everything that has happened.. And she actually slapped some sense into me which was very true.. I do have to get a grip on myself and move on.. "If you truly love something, you should set it free.."

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My life as I know is like this....

This tree..

Thats all for today.. Rather Tired..

Cheers,

Ivan.K

A lil something positive..

You know? Balance =)

Instructions :~

a)Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc on shuffle.
b)For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
c)YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN, NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
d)Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
e)Put this on your blog.

1.If someone says,"Is this okay?"

My best friend.(So its ok?)

2. How would you describe yourself?

I love to be with you.(Oh yeah I would xD)

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?

Somewhere over the rainbow. (Hard to search)

4. How do you feel today?

Yeah!! *Usher* (Well.. YEAH!!)

5. What is your life's purpose?

你最近还好吗..( I guess Im alright?)

6. What is your motto?

Together Again (Yes.. Agreed =D )

7. What do your friends think of you?

Arigatou (Thank you for...?)

8. What do you think of your parents?

Januari ( Months o.O )

9. What do you think about very often?

Do you remember (Apprently I do xD)

10. What is 2+2?

Time of Our life (Gosh I could I forgot that?)

11. What do you think of your best friend?

Shawty get loose (Yeah she should =x)

12. What do you think of the person you like?

Kiss me (WOAHHHH PERFECT SONG)

13. What is your life?

Bei Pan (Okaaaaay.. this is sad..)

14. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Damn Girl (Blur..)

15. What do you think of when you see the person you like?

Sorry (You know.. I might =x)

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?

Bei Ji Xing De Yan Lei (Hmm.. Maybe sing perhaps?)

17. What will they play at your funeral?

Always be my baby (This is wrong...)

18. What is your hobby/interest?

Endless Love (I truly wish... xD)

19. What is your biggest fear?

Low (Im more afraid of "high" ahahaha)

20. What is your biggest secret?

Ai Wo Hai Shi Ta (I love....)

21. What do you think of your friends?

True (Soooooo true!!!)

22. What will you post this as?

Stab my back (Ouch.. )

23. What song would you play during your first time having sex?

Picture Perfect ( Gotta love this song xD )

Kinda fun. haha. Hope you'll enjoy (: because you've just been tagged!

I just hate...

Certain "types" of people.. And even more if they're invlove in my life.. Who are they you ask?

Right now.. I can't really explain it or put it into words.. Its just the ARGHHHHH!!!! #Q@^ !@ feeling.. But more or less its more like people who resent me based on the time/mood/people around me.. Why can't the people that hate me, just hate me and don't pretend to be my friend in the open? And my real friends treat me like a friend and not anything else? This is really a twisted world to me..

Recently I've been noticing, my intrest in my studies is dropping.. I feel so diffrent now.. I wonder is it the people i mix with? Or its just a roller coaster, it comes and goes? Either way its affecting my life.. And its just not right..

I used to care for everything in the world even to the smallest detail but now? I wish the world just ended when Im in a situation.. Its like.. The responsible part of me, the caring part is all gone.. Or almost gone.. I have so much emotions in me, you can name it from happy to sad, and maybe even mad..

Someone I know, irritates me a lot but I used to tolerate everything.. Back then I could.. Its just maybe I thought the person could actually understand me.. At times I actually do believe, and at times I know the person is just plain blur.. And recently I just don't know why.. I just can't be myself around this person.. I sincerely don't want anything to get worser.. And yet for this person to change spontaniously.. Or even change at all.. Just more considerate.. Some say im "small gas" which im not denying that im not.. But theres only so much one can take..

And now I ask my self why? Why is it like this? Perhaps I feel so.. unfair? I would go to the ends of the world for my friends and the least I would ever expect is a simple thank you.. Or a grattitude of appreciation.. Granted, some actually do.. But would they go to the ends of the world for me? That.. I wish... However.. I've yet to see that happening..

I realised something I've forgotten all along as I am writing this last paragraph.. This whole post may be pointless after I type this one phrase.. "People change in time, there's nothing in this world you can do to stop it.."

I guess people change and I have not.. I feel confused yet enlighted.. Makes no sense? Well to me it doesn't either.. But its the way it is..

Hope everything works out.. Waiting to smile once again..
Cheers,
Ivan.K

Sorry Guys

Really sorry to whoever my loyal readers are, I've been so busy lately and have no time to even stare at the computer. Lemme briefly blog what happened since the last time i blogged..

~I celebrated by school teachers birthday, with all my school friends. It was really nice and fun as it was a big suprise.. I even made friends back again with someone.. Relief~

~I went Chiong-K with Jackie,Cole,Goon Ee,Sonia and Collie last friday.. Gosh sang till no more breath.. Even now my throat hurts a LOT!!! Maybe will do that again this coming friday? Ahaha

~Went Out with Collie and Elena to TimeSquare.. Giler Shopping from 11.30am~10.30pm.. Crazy eh? I even played a basketball match there, 100 plus road show thingy, It was fun but i kinda realise how much I suck at basketball now... Haha..

~Recently I had this weird but exciting dream.. Regarding someone I know.. Roughly it was about me and someone. It seems she was leaving in the dream and the whole dream i felt like there was a timer where ever i looked. So in there, I actually tried my best to tell her not to leave and so-on like.. Err... A lot la.. Its much more interesting than this, I SWEAR.. Its just that I have not much time to think about it.. In the end of the dream I was kinda too late and I sorta lost her.. Sad huh?

~ And today... OMG la... I read something I wasnt suppose too.. I feel so bad now but I do keep wondering who is she refering too? Curiosity killing me inside.. Gosh... I want to ask her.. But If really me how? Argh... Maybe I just shouldn't know.. Haha =x

Thats All From Me~
Till when Im free~
Ivan.K

Why....!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its 2 in the morning and yet this feeling just won't go away..I thought if i expressed it in a poem it would just go there and be gone.. but no. Im not myself these past few days.. I feel like im someone else.. Someone I never wanna become.. But it just happened..

I feel so negative inside of me.. Like life already cease to exist from my eyes.. Could it be because im torn between two countries? Or just is it im still battling the demons within me?.. Or something even more recent.. The feelings that I had to discard away.. Perhaps, Im lying to myself that im fine.. Im ok.. I can make it..

BUT I know I can make it.. I know I will not give up.. But even though.. I am only human.. I fall.. but, I will stand again stronger.. I hope this can still hold me back together as a whole heart and not shattered..

Ivan.K